In the 1990s, if you wanted edgy programming on network television, you’d watch Law & Order, My So-Called Life, or NYPD Blue. In fact, you’d probably watch Animaniacs or The Magic School Bus before even thinking about the popular Western drama Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. The sitcom, which aired on CBS for six seasons from 1993 to 1998, starred Jane Seymour as the titular Dr Michaela Quinn, or “Dr. Mike,” a female physician who opens a practice in Colorado Springs. The sitcom is as squeaky-clean and family-friendly as they come, reminiscent of predecessors such as The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie. But think if Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman was as gritty and dark as Breaking Bad. How would that look like? envisage no more, as Funny or Die reunited the original actors to envisage what such a scenario would look like in the 2014 short “Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman.”
The short begins with a very Hallmark-style shot of Seymour’s Quinn and Joe Lando’s Byron Sully in costume, laughing together, behind the title Dr. Quinn’s Return to Television, before shifting focus to Seymour herself, who begins, “When they first came to me with the idea of rebooting Dr. Quinn, I was excited.” Lando sets up the punchline right away, saying, “We knew we couldn’t just bring back the same beloved ’90s family drama.” “We’d need to reinvent it for the Netflix generation.”
Cue the joke, which is based on the reboot’s concept. See, in the years since the series finale, Dr Quinn has prescribed nothing but morphine to her patients, in addition to cocaine and whisky, and as a result, the entire town of Colorado Springs has become addicted. As the premise is established, Dr. Quinn is seen heading down the road towards the camera, her face obscured by her hat. The camera focusses on Quinn as she tilts her head up, showing the Walter White-style glasses she now wears. It’s fitting that she is now a drug lord known as Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman.
Just in case you didn’t know what Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman was parodying, a title card in the typical Breaking Bad table of elements style says Dr. Quinn. What follows is a spoof of both shows, with the locals beating on Dr. Quinn’s office door, demanding more morphine. Shots of Dr. Quinn preparing her morphine are identical to those of Bryan Cranston’s Walter White. Even Skinny Pete (Charles Baker) from Breaking Bad makes a cameo to assist Dr. Quinn with her morphine mixology. As one guy remarks, “This ain’t your mama’s Dr. Quinn,” a statement that’s pushed home in the short’s most manic moment, when a sadistic Quinn forces her patient, a man with a sliver, to take morphine while laughing at having hooked another soul.
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